Dating While Trans: The (tr)App
Have you ever found yourself stuck between the moral dilemma of giving dating apps another chance and the unhealed trauma from the time before? Well now, let’s spice that up with the part of your identity labelled “trans”. Recently some dating apps have helped women like me and you to “out” ourselves beforehand, but apparently very few cisgender heterosexual (aka cishet) men read that “transgender woman” status on bios, or written in the description. At times, it’s even worn as a flag on our profile pictures — just you know, not to leave anything to chance.
Guess what happens though?
These men don’t want to see it and they don’t, so let’s unpack the actual matter and see what kind of people we, trans women, meet on dating apps.
First. The category is: FORREST. Do you remember the movie where the protagonist starts running followed by the line: “run Forrest run”? That’s exactly what cis men will do once they realize they’ve been talking to a trans woman. No ‘byes’, no ‘I’m sorry’s, no nothing. They run away, leaving you with the hope that one day they’ll come back! Unfortunately, this is never the case. The ghosting begins before you even realize it.
Sometimes they also go the extra mile and after a lovely conversation, they just un-match you. This is the worst feeling one can feel as a woman, a person, a human being. THE UNMATCHER (that’s how I call the second category), is so terrified by the fact that he barely chatted on an app with a trans woman, that he feels the need to delete every proof of his obscene, scandalous, and shameful behavior. We know how fragile masculinity still is in 2021 but the damage to our confidence is done, and the devious thought of “what did I do wrong?” starts insinuating in our brain.
On a different note, let’s meet those who make you believe that maybe you are at least worth a date. The category is THE FAKE PROGRESSIVE. This species of homo sapiens is the one who actually likes to show off how cool and open-minded he is for the simple act of even talking to you. The sad reality is — he totally isn’t. What usually happens is that you plan to switch to Instagram or exchange numbers after the “I don’t care about you being trans, I’d like to know you” line, and you never hear back from him. What did I do wrong? The ghosting is even harder to swallow this time while your insecurities about your body and persona grow stronger.
The ocean is vast though and the Tinder-land of opportunity shows you that there are people who like trans women. However, the issue is that they’re only interested in your genitals. In their minds, the trans woman is a mythological figure in between genders that satisfies all your wildest homoerotic fantasies. And yes, I wrote homoerotic because for this category of cishet men we are just men dressed as women, and have the best of both worlds! Unfortunately for them not all of us work in the porn industry or are sex workers who get paid to do whatever comes to their mind (to a certain extent). Some of us don’t have penises, and others — are you ready for this? — have genital dysphoria which means we don’t quite like that part of our body, so we don’t use it either. As shocking as this statement might be, it is the pure and simple truth! The category here is THE TRANSCHASER or THE TRANSCHASER WANNABES who are new to the game and still “like” the idea. For both, their superpower is gaslighting. They know how fragile we can be after all that we’ve been through; and in exchange for affection and intimacy, sadly, some of us do fall for them. Even if it means that you only meet for sex basically — in cars, hotel rooms, or sketchy places. What does that sound like to you? Remember dear trans woman: you didn’t come out to get back in the closet for these men!!
Finally, we got to the last category: THE PEEPING TOM. You chat, you exchange numbers, you start following each other on social media, and they actually lead you to believe that it might be different this time, but dreams start crushing down the moment they, too, disappear from your life… right before the hypothetical date. On a brighter note, you did get a follower out of this disappointing experience. Know that he’ll be watching all of your stories, never liking any of your posts nor commenting, and certainly not DM you either. But he. is. there.
So, what did you do wrong? Nothing. Orbiting, gaslighting and ghosting are just synonyms of emotional abuse, which are particularly common in dating apps. Definitely, we all experienced it in a way or another no matter what your gender or sexuality is. The difference is that we, trans women are considered to be unlovable, sex machines, or simply men with dresses. The abuse is amplified and the emotional toll is even harder: these experiences indeed make you believe you’re just not worthy of existing.
Now, you cis reader that got this far, ask yourself this question: “what would I do if I found out the person I’m talking to is trans?” Don’t lie! I know, and you do too. It’s not about being open-minded on paper or for real. It’s about unlearning the bias you have about trans people. Because after all, if you actually considered me to be a woman, you wouldn’t have any problems dating me, and if you do have problems, it’s because I’ll never be a real woman to you. I’ll never be enough.
What did I do wrong?
Nothing. We are not to blame just because we are who we are. Months of detoxing and recovering from this experience, for not seeing or spotting the signs are not worth the journey. My advice to you my beautiful trans woman and to my future self is to respect ourselves and don’t fall for the “this time it’s going to be different” they make you believe in. You are worthy of love, and you’ll find it one day (apparently not on dating apps though)!
Don’t waste your time, don’t hurt yourself, don’t let cis men get to you.
BE YOU.
BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU.
